I know that the topic is beaten, but since the launches still manage to make my PC-gaming unbearable, I can no longer restrain myself. Sorry, but I need to speak out.

Make us one

Recently I wanted to re-hardly renovate the old, original original Dead Space, bought once a long time Origin. And a surprise was waiting for me. Firstly, it turned out that EA quietly and without declaration of war replaced her Origin with a new launcher EA App. Secondly, it turned out that EA App does not start. That is, you enter the username and password, press the “Continue” button, after which the launcher says “ADIEC, Amigo” and closes. A bunch of those where users are trying to find a solution to the problem have already appeared on the EASH forums. Some advise you to change the unico and then supposedly everything will work (but at the same time you will have kracoisaurs, because the encoding will get together). Others recommend anew to create a profile on a computer, but without Russian characters. Still others urge to sacrifice a milky lamb and make prayers to the mistress of our shiraori. But, of course, the dances with the tambourine did not help me. The only way that helped me open the Launcher’s features is to set the EA Play game through gamepass. That is, if you do not have an ultimate version of the passage or if you do not have a single EA game at the moment – you can’t open the launcher. So, the publisher simply blocked you access to your games library that you have been saved for years.

And here I, as usual in the world of Half-Life, precipitated. Was there at least once that the launches (if this is not an Orthodox steam) did not try to drink your blood?

Lunches against the pirates. And users

– Sedaaaaaaa on the chest of the dead ..
– Pogan please.
– Yojo! And the bottle of Romaaaa ..
– You are not authorized. Please enter the login and password.
– Drink, and the devil will bring you to the end ..
– Turn up immediately!
– Yojo! And the bottle of Romaaa ..

It feels like a launzeric epidemic began somewhere in the middle of the two thousandth. I know that Battalnnet It has existed since the invasion of barbarians in Rome, but since I have never come into touch in my life with games, this bowl has passed me.

The first time I knew the taste of shit in 2012, when the “Jubisoft”, which in which the logo looks like a washing toilet, first launched its wonderful Uplay.

Then the launcher needed the publisher not so much to save the blood 30% of the thick paws of Gaben as for anti -pirate protection. This “anniversary” mechanism is used to this day and it is it to him that we owe incredibly long loading games. First, the game is attached to the server, and then the program nextly launch checks the license of the game itself and all DLC, even if you did not buy them. You understand the scale of the disaster? If you don’t understand, then I will hint: “Jubisoft” made all its games with fucking services with a billion of various DLCs, skins, intra -game objects, lutboxes and so on. And all this digital garbage server should check. As a result, the launch of Valgalla on my PS4 usually took 10-15 minutes.

Moreover, to this “magnificent” idea of ​​the “anniversary” came even before Satan buried “Jupley”. Already the second assassin, published in 2009, demanded a constant connection to the Internet so that the server could check every minute, you have a license or a pirate. And the Internet in those days, even if they were no longer issued on cards, but still there was slow, expensive and unstable. At the same time, the pirates did not prevent the game from hacking the game.

I say, as a person who himself for the first time the second assassin went on a pirate. They somehow learned to “mimic” for the service “Jubisoft” and deceive the game. There was a paradoxical situation: the owners of the license, which, in theory, had to play and did not blow in the mustache, suffered and doused with bitter tears, because there was no accessible Internet in those days, and the server worked just like. And the guys with a “cheerful Roger” on the coast of Nassau on the Majer on the mast actually Nassau for all the measures of defense of the “Jubisoft” played calmly without experiencing any problems. The privilege did not get to the mustache for those who saved their Piasters from the paranoid leadership of the French company.

By the way, this is far from the only example when some conditional repack from Vasyan is a much better offer than the licensed version, over which entire departments of programmers, coders and marketers have corrupted. Pirate versions were almost always stable, had a sewn -in Russian language, which very often is not in a license, and they always allowed the user to choose the language himself. I remember how one day my friend bought a licensed disc with the first Max Payne, which at that time cost a lot. And after the first launch, spitting, swearing and removing the bad words of the Japanese god, climbed on torrents, since there was only one voice acting in the game – Russian. And Max Payne said in the voice of Major Ivan Podmyshkin from the 3rd district department of the Ministry of Internal Affairs in the Tyumen region (well, or the voice of Stirlitz, as my friend then described these unpleasant buzzing vibrations). The actor of the voice acting, apparently, was far beyond 50 and his voice sharply dissonated with the image of a young New York cop.

The island of St. Helena

Time passed, a cancer tumor https://candylandcasino.uk/ called “game launches” began to give metastases and grow rapidly as “Steam” develops. Now every major publisher wanted to get his own store, where he would not have to share the revenue with Gaben. And do not care that there will be fewer users, the main thing is to save a penny.

In the game market, like mushrooms after the rain, launches began to appear, which entered the tough interspecific battle for the title of the most vile code of the races in the history of these Internet. At the very bottom of the food chain is the great and terrible Windows Live. It was not quite a launcher, rather bristled with minting, shell -bearing arthropod, which still had to get out of the swamp and evolve into a dinosaur.

He was so bad that bards still compose legends about him, and mothers scare naughty children who refuse to eat semolina. He was incredibly clumsy, inconvenient and completely unpredictable. They say that when targarien is born, the gods throw a coin. About the same way, things were with Windows Live. Whether the system will allow you or not – depended on the holy random. We can say that this protection measure broke the fourth wall and played with you in DND, throwing dates, every time you tried to launch the game, but the gamers did not appreciate the joke.

Microsoft itself did not appreciate it in the end, which ultimately herself removed her ugly brainchild. However, before that it managed to break firewood. For example, the system at one time banned me for using a cheat code that removes police stars in GTA4 (but BLM for cleaning police stars in real life for some reason, for some reason, they don’t ban it). And I used this only in the single (I don’t know, there was generally multiplayer there? It seems to be not). As a result, I was able to pass entirely a game for many years later, when I bought a remaster-version of GTA4 in Steam, where there was no longer the God-dimensional Liva.

About the same way you were broken by Orijin. There was generally the existing Ada and Israel. The battles, although they were in Orijin, were still launched from the browser. Luncher himself constantly “forgot” your username and password, as a result, each time it was necessary to log in again. At the same time, this cattle did not forget to automatically run into the Windows processes.

But the most epic file is a situation with additions to the "mass effect". The fact is that all DLCs were attached to a certain site affiliated with EA, through which they had to be activated. And by the time I tried to unpack the full edition of ME2, this site no longer worked. That is, DLC, as it were, are and they are even loaded to your screw, but you still can’t start them in the game. This returns us to the thesis about the total superiority of Vasyan over the publisher. I was able to go through the entire trilogy, again, only after I bought the legendary ME edition in Steam, where everything was already immediately built. Thanks to the “incentive” that he still allowed me, the ungrateful slave, to buy a game. And I, the dog is a husky, nothing of Smart still dared to murmur to the master for biting prices. I did not know, the demon of the cursed, my happiness, sorry, Lord, us, sinners!

Origin And Uplay – It’s like Sasuke and Naruto. Two eternal rivals in the struggle for the title of shit launcher itself. Origin tried as best he could, he worked on the deterioration of your game expirence is day and night.

But the "Jupley" did not lag behind. The jubi-launcher, like his brother in arms, at times forgot the login-Paroli, and sometimes simply did not want to let you into your library because of the problems with the server.

This strongest tripr-Trotskyist made his strongest move when he ordered users to log in-steaming not just for entering the launcher, but for launching individual games. I can’t say all the games for all the games, but I came across this when I tried to rely “Splinter sat Black Liszt”.

I even contacted support, thinking that it was a bug. In support, they stated that this is not a bug, but a feature. More precisely – the requirement of the publisher. When asked a guy from the technical support “Can I help something else?»I asked to help send Iva Giimo to the island of St. Helena. And, as a admirer of pirate traditions, I strongly recommended that the Director of Jubisoft give a gun with one cartridge. Let him seek chests there himself and synchronizes the towers. I suffered from Black Flag, now his turn. I still wait for an answer from support.

"Improving life"

Over time, launches have become more and more. Origin, Uplay, Battlenet, Rockstar Launcher, Egs, 2k … Thousands of them.

2K generally came out funny. One fine day I launch Bioshock Infinite installed a hundred years ago and find that the load that used to pass in a few seconds now lasts a minute or two. And on the screen, an aerokrjuk is spinning with a good inscription "There is a connection with the server". I darted on the page of the game in Steam and found an ad from the publisher there.

2K are aware of the possible consequences related to recent updates and are working on their elimination. The experience of our players is of paramount importance, and we will update our community with additional information as it appears.

The update of this week includes various improvements in the quality of life, including: added an option to binding an account in the game. Adding a new launcher, which includes a store to buy new content

2k

Improvement. Qualities. Life. Again. Forcibly binding to anyone the fucking launcher – this is in the language of corporate parties means "Improving the quality of life". You are completely fucked up there guys! Maybe first ask me before my life is "improved"? I bought a game without this appendix-a matter of actually a jurisdiction.

And well, they would just introduce their launcher and sold new games there. But they tie old games to him. Do not improve the old product, so don’t spoil.

You may be surprised, but in the end, the launcher "Epic Game Stor" turned out to be the most harmless in this ambient race. He is far from as convenient as Steam, but at least does not cause as many problems as the above "improvers of life". As they say, with such friends and enemies are not needed.

The name is legion

Today we are experiencing a crisis of launches and we can relate to this in different ways. Someone is already at the stage of acceptance. I remember when the holivars began about the launch of EGS, many said: "From another icon on the desktop, no one has yet died". But at the same time, they forget that each launcher produces a computer’s RAM. And often they don’t even need to run them for this. The same "Orijin", the earth is glassy, ​​each time started when the computer is turned on. Moreover, from this bad habit, he was not even weaned by removal from auto -sailing. Apparently I wanted to start so that it was already unbearable. Imagine that you have ten launches and all of them, like leeches, are on the shock of your RAM on the same way. And if there are 20?

And I’m already silent that the modern PC-Boyarin on duty is turned into an accountant of Rog and Hoof LLC, who is forced to keep a separate accounting of all logins and passwords, since it is impossible to keep all this abundance in my head.

Launched madness seems to have reached its climax. It is no coincidence that Jubisoft and EA, who in the middle of the two thousandth left Steam “to Mom”, slamming the door loudly, now quietly returning back, like a beaten dog. True, the launches already launched on the head to the players, no one, of course, began to delete. I would only be happy if I were given all the games from EA App and Jupley to Steam, especially since there is still a binding of accounts. But they haven’t brought me a gube -rolling car yet.

I really hope that the situation in the market will be tired, and the number of launches will decrease to a sane amount. A pure return to the steam of two major publishers is a small victory for players. We can only wait and believe. And in the meantime I’ll go check if I received a letter from the island of St. Helena.